Uncategorized kindler

Published on July 29th, 2011 | by Sharilyn Johnson

0

State of the Industry: Quotable Kindler

Andy Kindler makes his share of direct hits when he takes the entertainment world to task every year during his State of the Industry Address. But let’s face it: we love Andy just as much when the ammo goes slightly off-course.

It’s tempting to edit this down, and just show you only the best of the best of this year’s speech. But that wouldn’t give you the true experience inside the Hyatt ballroom, would it? So instead of buffing out the edges and trying to make sense of it all, I’ll leave that up to you.

Here it is, as much as I could possibly type with my fast fingers, and with as much context as I could muster, a slew of Andy’s unvetted quotes from this year’s SOTI Address.

On the festival moving this event into a massive ballroom:
“They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not QUITE able to fill a room.”

“I’m no sellout, literally.”

“I actually wrote a speech. Normally I do bullet points and run-on sentences.”

“Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year?.. I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work. “

“I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.”

“Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.”

“I made fun of Adam Sandler so that future generations of comedians could be cast in his movies. I made fun of Jay leno so there could be a Jimmy Fallon.”

“I believe at the end of my career I’ll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.”

“Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French… Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He’s been speaking French for a while now, but he’s talking about doing his act in German. Haven’t the German people suffered enough?”

“Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.”

“I don’t believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I’ll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don’t want to hear the introduction ‘you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show’.”

“My Jihad energy drink isn’t going to go. Ramadan noodles, not going to go. My Islamic version of the 3 Stooges, with Mohammed and whatever would be the Islamic version of Larry and Curly…”

“Someone told me Sean Hayes has agreed to star in the new version of the Three Stooges. The stars are starting to align.”

——

“My cat’s fully capable of speaking, but he says he’s afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.”

“Many [Zookeeper] sequels in the works. Paul Blart Mall Keeper, Kevin James interacts with talking berets at Lids. Then there’s Morning Zookeepers, where he’s a morning deejay and interacting with talking animals.”

“Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One’s called It’s Getting Muggy In Here”.

On the film The Dilemma
“Should I not see this in the movie theatre, or should I avoid it when it comes on cable? Should I shut my electricity off to avoid any mix-ups?”

——

On The Social Network
“Half the movie was about changing the name from The Facebook to Facebook.”

“I’m looking forward to the Angry Birds movie. Then get ready for Quicktime.”

——

“George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don’t get out of control…. Good news George… you are humor free! There’s no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.”

“George Lopez does so much mugging, I’m surprised he’s not up on charges.”

——

“The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said ‘get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone’”.

“Pixar had to animate themselves jumping over a shark.”

“Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.”

“Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal \with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks.”

“He has a show on the History channel called Only In America. Only In America could Larry the Cable Guy get a show on the History Channel.”

“Carrot Top will be doing a show about the history of ancient trunks. Gallagher will be smashing ancient fruit.”

——

“Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.”

“Jimmy offends no one. That’s his hook. He’s like a younger Leno who’s tech-savvy.”

“He’s completely unwilling to alienate anyone. In an interview he said he wouldn’t be afraid to tell a chef during a cooking segment that he doesn’t like mayo. So he’s wiling to take a stand.”

“Larry the Cable Guy was on Fallon’s panel to promote Cars 2.”

“Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan’s show, Conan O’Brien was so offended by Larry’s material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.”

“Larry told this joke on Fallon: ‘my grandma farted and set her Snuggie on fire. But then she peed.’ Jimmy Fallon was autopilot laughing so hard that he had to get up and walk around.”

——

“I don’t think there’s anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.”

“He was complaining about being on the Tonight Show and having to come back to his own crappy show. Y’know what? Get the fuck off the air if you think you’re above your own show. It’s a miracle that he even has a show.”

“Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.”

“Sometimes he does a cold open that’s a monologue that precedes his monologue. He does a hand puppet bit, or he forces some poor audience member to do it with him.”

“27 minutes in he’s still talking, reading fan letters of some sort. Even narcissists would be embarrassed.”

——

“I don’t know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it’s no act.”

“Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.”

“Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.”

“The State of the Industry award for persistence awards goes to BJ Novak, who graduated Harvard and was unemployed for the entire plane ride to LA. For 6 hours, he didn’t know. Just did not know. Living in limbo.”

“Magician of the Year, Mike Birbiglia. I don’t know what he’s doing, but it’s working.”

“At the end of Real Housewives, they say ‘to learn more about the housewives, go to realhousewives.com’. Is there a place I could go to learn less about the real housewives?”

“Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn’t find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.”

“I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen’s show and were disappointed. ‘That didn’t seem very organized! That guy’s all over the map!’”

“I’m doing a roast as if the roast was pure rage and I wasn’t there to kid.”

“Judah Friedlander, I’m ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That’s a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says ‘there’s a limit to how funny words on a hat can be’. And then move to a chapeau.”

“If he’s upset by this, I’m sure he can retaliate by printing a hat that says how much he gets paid per episode.”

“Jimmy Buffet was entertaining people at the last shuttle launch… talk about outdated technology.”

——

How did Dr. Drew become the only psychologist who appears on tv. Did he sign an exclusive with CNN?

He’s profiting from misery.

Next Fall Dr. Drew has a new show coming out: Overdosing with the Stars.

Jamie Masada is paying for comedians, in lieu of paying them well, he’s paying for them to have therapy at the Laugh Factory. I can just imagine the comedians talking to the therapist “I dunno, sometimes the audiences here just seem to SUCK… It is just me, or does the owner here seem crazy?”

—–

“I don’t really know what’s wrong with Jay Leno. I don’t have the training to make a professional diagnosis.”

He was funny in the ‘80s. We have proof of this. Nobody asked him to go this way, he did this on his own. He wasn’t the last guy who should’ve gotten a talk show, he was the third last, after Gallagher and Gallagher II.

“Then they try to make Conan be worse. ‘Can you somehow make it how Jay was?’”

“This is the way his mind works: we could go over to ABC, but it’s one more exit on the freeway.”

“He makes up these anecdotes all the time. I heard him the other night talking about picking up a hitchhiker. Nobody picks up hitchhikers anymore. How about having an actual life to talk about?”

——

“They should also use focus groups only if you’re researching how a cookie tastes.”

“People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch’s face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?”

“I do have insecurities. I don’t know if you can tell. I’m not brimming with confidence.”

On ubiquitous superheroes in movies:
“Could we somehow have Thor show up during the Civil War?”

On Archie comics becoming more serious:
“When I was a kid, I read archie comics to get away from my miserable life in Queens. I don’t need to read Archie and find they too have a garbage strike.”

“Men of a Certain Age was cancelled. They should never cancel something that’s good. TNT, ‘we know drama…’,
…but actually, we could just pick drama out of a lineup
… but we’re better friends with focus groups
… but we’re better at making decisions based on fear
… but we’re more a slave to ratings.
…it doesn’t fit so well with Franklin & Bash.”

“Nora Ephron was on some talk show saying she was disappointed in Obama. Now you know how I felt after I saw You’ve Got Mail.”

——

“I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.”

“I’m on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I’m unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn’t also like iCarly.”

——

“They’ve been studying laughter for a couple hundred years. According to this article, they were talking blood and urine samples from people watching Gallagher. Now I’m suspicious – how do I know they’re telling the truth about this big bang theory?”

“I don’t like any nastiness on tv unless it’s coming from me.”

“Judge Judy went to the hospital because she was having intestinal troubles. Turns out, she hates her own guts.”

——

“CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y’know what CNN? I’m turning you on because I don’t know the news. I was hoping you could help me.”

“I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.”

On Piers Morgan:
“Did you know they call him Piers Moron in London? Shouldn’t somebody have known that?”

——

“I watched Master Class with Lorne Michaels on OWN. How can somebody produce a sketch show and talk for an hour and not say something even slightly amusing, or sarcastic, or ironic, or interesting, or informative? ‘My mission as a producer is to encourage creativity.’ Mission accomplished.”

“[Clubs in] every city have an excuse for why the turnout is so low. In Salt Lake City, they said ‘oh, the circus is in town’. ‘I’m sorry, the artichoke festival is in town’. ‘Sorry, there’s a cold going around’. ‘A friend is having a bbq’, ‘A group like Blue Man Group came to town, not them, another group’”.

On the book “How to be Funny” by John Macks:
“He tells you when you can talk about people. John Wayne Bobbit. Peak years: 1993-1994.”

“I’m still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I’m going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I’m going after Hitler.”

“Some of my inventions didn’t take off. I invented a url lengthener.”

“Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it’s the funniest.”

“They shouldn’t call anything a boot camp unless you’re going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won’t let you come back until you’re funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.”

Tags: , ,


About the Author

is the author of the book Bears & Balls: The Colbert Report A-Z. Called "one of the city’s most discriminating comedy critics” by NOW Magazine, Sharilyn has been covering comedy for longer than she cares to admit. She served as the comedy reporter for Winnipeg's Uptown Magazine for five years, and was the host of the radio show Laugh Tracks for three seasons. Her work has also appeared in the Toronto Star, the Winnipeg Free Press, The Apiary, and on CBC Radio's national comedy programs LOL and Definitely Not the Opera.



Comments are closed.

Back to Top ↑